Contrary to what is often believed, people generally are
more emotional then we may think There is a large literature on persuasion (and in
various schools of psychology) for instance that supports this saying that even
the most intellectual of us makes decisions based on emotion first, backed by
logic. In relationships, people
need to be built up and supported emotionally to
create a bond of trust and responsiveness, before they will ever truly listen
to you. This is the concept of the
emotional back account. When you
give love and support - you are making a deposit. When you offer feedback or criticism, (no matter how
helpful) it is a withdrawal.
The key is to have a healthy deposit bank balance!!! To do so, practice giving lots of
praise, support, and building up without needing to always offer feedback or
correction with it-- for this leaves people always expecting to be put down
after they do good.
ItÕs like the classic book of the
same title that saysÉ Òfind people doing things rightÓ
and acknowledge that verbally to them daily as a habit. Just acknowledge the gift (Person and
their Behavior) without saying how they, or some behavior of theirs, could have
been better. Some examples are
below. This builds people up so
that they feel strong enough to conquer anything. This is the magic of love. On the other hand, always offering suggestions does the
opposite and undermines peoples self worth. They start to avoid you like they
would a critical parentÉ the relationship deteriorates to a power struggle.
When feedback is necessary, do so only after 3 deposits. For
example, (this is similar to the most current thinking on progressive
discipline) when a employee actually breaks a rule,
speak to them kindly about it 3 times before taking more serious punitive
action. Some say that teachers are
the exception to this process.... yes, they are paid
to bring new information to a student and they can assure that their teachings
are embraced by loving the student and paying attention to his emotional self
first. For those resistant to this
approach remember the power of the greatest teachers on earth (Christ, Buddha,
Krishna, Gandhi. Lincoln). By
being a builder of people, you save the world. And, you eventually earn the
emotional right to offer a suggestion when needed! Without this bond, people resent your
offerings. With it, people respond
because they respect you for your humanity. Try it, the extra moments it
takes will create something very special.
People will love you like no other and they will respond to any thing
you ask with great loyalty!
Daily EBA deposit Examples to buildup people:
Thanks so much!
I appreciate you for _____
YouÕre the best for _____
I noticed you did _____, fabulous!
The other day when you did X I was thrilled- it helped so
much!
Thank you for giving your best!
I love you.
I saw you try something new and struggleÉ. I acknowledge your courage.
I see youÉ.
Be creative.
Offer a positive mirror!
There are so many ways to tell some one they are special. Do it today and see how you
feel...
Feedback / Suggestion process:
A ---> Offer S B I ---> R
1.
Acknowledge:
"Hey Greg can I talk to
you? The other day something happened
that I did not understand and I need your help. So can we dialog, with the intent that we can both
grow wiser and more effective in our relationship?"
ÒSo tell me (with regards to ____) what is
happening really?Ó
Use agreement frame: I appreciate, I agree, I understand
Or paraphrase
feedback
ALIGN,
ALIGN, ALIGN
Ok,
Thanks, Yes I understand.
2. Offer Feedback (Speak your truth without attack or criticism)
ÒFor me, what I experiencedÉÉÓ ÒIÕm feeling ___ about it....Ó
Situation - "Yesterday, at the staff meeting....
Behavior – ...I noticed behavior
that seemed condescending toward Mary ...
I heard statements like Òyou neverÓ and Òyou always...Ó
Impact - Ò...the impact was Mary looked totally demoralized and put
downÉ
Éand I felt awful for we have been trying so
hard to build her up..."
3. Make
Request (Discuss
options, alternatives, etc. Come
to an agreement)
"I don't believe it was your intent
to put her down, I know you and your heart is always kind. I just want to bring it to your
attention in the spirit of growth.
Does this ring true for you?
Can you take this in?Ó
Ok. What can we do together to create greater awareness around
our treatment of Mary, check any upsets we may have with her, make amends, and
stay positive in the future?
Thoughts? DISCUSS....
Agree and verify:
"Great, thanks for talking with me...it
sounds like we have agreed to talk to Mary; apologize; talk to our
coach
about what may be bothering us about Mary, and work extra hard at positive
reinforcement and
building up. Is this our agreement? Yes, great! LetÕs meet
again on Thursday to discuss our progress.
Thanks again for being an open and caring partner! Love ya. See you later, Greg"
When receiving feedback - don't
take it personally or as a put down. Breathe; relax; receive. It is certainly better to let people voice than to block
it. Listen and learn. Say, "Thank you, assuming
this is true, hereÕs what I can do to remedy this in the future." Be open, hear the feedback, and
discuss some remedies.
And, if you need someone to talk to you differently
for you to receive their feedback, let them know. ÒThank you for your suggestionÉ I have one as
wellÉ in the future when giving me feedback, could you say it like thisÉ it
helps me receive itÉ thanks!Ó
Best to
you,
Bill
William
Jason OÕMara
Author, The Way of the Corporate
Shaman
About the Author
William Jason OÕMara, Ph.D., has been a
pioneer in the personal growth movement for many years and is
considered one of AmericaÕs most gifted leadership teachers. He is
president of Corporate Shaman Way – an Institute for Leadership Studies.
He has an advanced degree in Psychology as well as certifications in Naam Yoga, Neuro-Linguistic
Programming and Holistic Health, and he is a Reiki Master. His book, The Godspell Solution, is considered a
modern day philosophical classic. His epic book, The Way of the Corporate
Shaman, is a breakthrough in the genre of spiritual wisdom in business. He has
led workshops, Mastermind groups, community retreats, and gatherings in New
York, San Diego and all over the USA for the past 10 years sharing his business
expertise and the native American wisdom he learned during his time with the
renowned native American Òspirit callerÓ Speaking Wind. He is an award-winning corporate speaker and
is available for select speaking engagements and consultations.